Snape's Sabbatical
by Son Munky
Summary: A very silly sort of "what if" fic where Snape is hitched and so on... I'll try and add the other strange tales as i write them!
1. Default Chapter

Snape's Sabbatical and other strange tales  
  
Okay, flay me if you like, but I came up with this some short time ago, and decided to commit it to pixels in the form of letters. It's really rather amusing, I suppose, as I was able to disable some of my friends from breathing due to uncontrollable laughter with this tale. It's the whole principle of the thing, really! Oh, and I do acknowledge that I own no one but Felicity and Harcourt. Everyone else belongs to the much esteemed and honourable J.K. Rowling.   
Oh, and also, this is the shortest fan fic I have ever written... Though maybe my El Hazard/ Digimon crossover might be, but I'm not really sure. Please do forgive me, as I usually am not this silly... It's a break from being serious for once, I suppose...   
  
Tale one-- Snape's Sabbatical   
  
It was most surprising. As a matter of fact, it was so terrible surprising that many thought it was not true, or that there was some sort of trick involved some how, but nay, it was the sooth all the same. No one could, or perhaps it's would, believe that the young man had convinced her to wed him, nor would any one embrace that she even did this willingly. Why, it wasn't hard to see why even he liked her -- She was stunningly beautiful, especially owing to that she was half Veela (mother's side, of course), even though it was rumoured that her father was a wolf-being (though no one cared to listen to such rumour about her), yet no one could grasp why she liked him. But, they went through the ceremony and all with such happiness and so on, and despite the fear and terror of the events outside, it was one happy respite, and Felicity and Severus were expected to be forever more blissful.   
All the terror and woe of the Dark Lord (the infamous you-know-who) was two years past before some thing happened that frightened students at Hogwarts. Though their dear Potions Master, Professor Severus Snape wasn't as sour and evil-ish as he seems now, he still was very strict and very nasty if need be. However, near the end of the second term of the year mentioned, Professor Snape suddenly took a turn for the exceptionally frightening -- Snape seemed to be extremely happy. More so, he was effervescent and silly, though also very nervous. Students were frightened, and hid from him, as he had been sent from home several (thousand, it seemed) photographs of a creature so cursed by students at the time, yes, no student wanted to be stopped by Snape to view all of the pictures and to be talked to their death of age, all this about one little creature. Ah, yes, Snape had just acquired a son. He would tell any one he could catch (even Peeves or Mrs. Norris) all about the boy, to tell them what ever odd thing it had been written to him that he had done, what ever he had already said to everyone, he would tell all, and even supplement with pictures. They all seem to depict a small wrapping of blanket with a small face looking rather tired, or astonished, or upset through an opening. Again, this was all very frightening and startling for the rest of the staff and the students, so it was suggested that Snape be given a year sabbatical to spend with his little blanket-wrapped spawn.   
And so it was that Snape left off for one year, to spend the time at home. Unfortunately, it was also a full moon the day he returned from the school year, and found that his wife, was as he was quite unaware, a werewolf of sorts, and their son as well. Still, he took this in stride, as they were superior werewolves to the sort of his school rival's friend Remus Lupin. This, and he thought that Harcourt made a very amusing puppy as well as infant human.   
However, this sabbatical was not the peaceful break that Severus had imagined, rather, it was more like the insanity that the others hoped for and expected. Harcourt liked to make noise, it seemed, and was very insatiable. And, by the end of the break, the little one had learned how to walk and string sentences together, mostly to shriek for more sweets. And so it was that Severus was veritably nearly driven insane, what with the constant banter and badgering of the high squeal, and the constant leech that seemed to hang from the hem of his robes, and the full moons when a fluffy, down covered pup would shuffle in and snuffle his face to see if he and Felicity were awake, then once they were properly unable to go back to sleep, snuggle in-between them and fall promptly into a deep rest. Ah yes, Severus was quite happy to return to the drone of classes.   
  
  



	2. The Muggle Cards

The Second Strange Tale -- The Muggle Cards  
(AN: Oh, please do note that I am an avid player of several muggle TCGs. The first I played was Magic, and I still do play it. That is, if I can find my cards... They're strewn throughout my room, though mostly in various card binders, drawers, and all over the bookshelf. It's very strange to look through my Pokemon cards and find a page with several Lord of the Pit, two Dean Thomas, a Potions exam, and finally a holo Musyamon...)  
  
Let us go forward several years... for the sake of humour, let's skip Felicity's death... A muggle sees her out during a full moon, and ... yeah... I think that explains it enough for now. That tale shall be saved for later... However, let us say that Harcourt is now a young lad with nothing better to do at home that play and be a very slight nusciance. As there is no one to watch Harcourt during the school year, Snape sought and hired the only werewolf he knew to watch Harcourt (as much as Snape hated doing this)-- Remus Lupin.   
Snape had hoped so very much that Harcourt would drive Lupin to the very brink of his sanity, but no, the two got along quite well indeed. This, of course, miffed Snape very much so. And one summer day, Snape found even more reason to be miffed with Lupin.   
As mentioned, it was a pleasant summer day, as Severus walked through the house, and clucked in disapproval at the horrid mess left in the front room by Harcourt. Severus growled to himself as he picked up the toys, the comics, and then came upon the strangest pile of items yet... They were cards, but they did not seem like ordinary cards. The pictures stood still, and did nothing whatsoever. Below the pictures were bits of text for some, some just giving a quote or information, others with both this and some odd writings such as "|- Add (skull, etc.) to Mana Pool", or "Has Banding, First Strike". Severus then noticed that the cards each had little titles in the top.   
"Storm Crow? Lord of the Pit... Ah, he's an ugly one... Mon's Goblin Raiders? Those don't look like any goblins I've seen..." Severus shuffled through the cards quickly, still bothered by the cards' not being animate. "What manner of cards are these...?" Severus then spied the names at the bottom. Wizards of the Coast? He'd never heard of it. Besides, what manner of wizard folk made such silly, non-magical cards that hosted the name "Magic: The Gathering" on them? It was rather confusing. Thus, Severus decided to call Harcourt down.   
"HARCOURT!! Downstairs, now!" Severus barked. There was a mad shuffle from the floor above, then the sound of something tumbling and bounding down the steps. A silence, then a loud thud, followed by the sound of Harcourt's socked feet sliding and scuffling over the floor to the front room. The boy's cheery face peered around the wall at Severus.   
"Yep? You called?" Harcourt's cheerful attitude could be sickening. As it was, he was smiling ear to ear, toothily, and with stains from grass on his pant's knees, and bits of kneazle hair clinging to his shirt. His slate eyes were bright, and his chin length hair shiny and quite clean. Severus scowled. He held up the cards.   
"I found these on the floor with your things. What, pray, are these? Where did you get them?" Snape said shortly. Harcourt looked at the cards, then spoke, with tones of upmost cheer.   
"Oh! Those! Lupin got them for me in Muggle London. We went to a store there, and I saw them, and so he got them. See? You play a game with them. Muggles are funny, but they do seem to know something about us, don't they?"   
"Ah, I see. Remus purchased these? How do you play the game? As ridiculous as it must be..."   
"It is not!" Harcourt suddenly adopted an upset scowl. "It's very easy. You're supposed to be a wizard, or a witch, and you have to kill your enemy by casting spells, and using creatures. But, you can't do anything with out 'Mana', this magical land stuff."   
Severus glanced at a few of the cards again. "What is it with muggles and killing each other? I suppose you can kill the creatures, as well?"   
Harcourt grinned and nodded.   
"I see." Severus looked at some of the drawings and tried to suppress laughter. Instead, he grinned horribly. "Yes, muggles are very amusing. Harcourt, have you ever heard or seen of a dragon that looked like this?" Severus held up a card of Sven Dragon. "Or, here, behold this basilisk!" Severus held up a card of Thicket Basilisk. "That is no basilisk. That is an Iguana with too many legs. Hmmm... Ahh, look. The Goblins are depicted with green, or even blue skin! How dreadful!" Severus then landed upon a Dungeon Shade, and looked faintly a shade more pale. "Euchhh... Harcourt, how do you keep with out nightmares? Frightful things these are..."   
Harcourt pouted. He then tried to snatch the cards back with a deft swipe of his hand, but couldn't reach high enough.   
"Dad, please, may I have back my cards? Please?" Harcourt pleaded, and tugged on the sleeve of Severus's robes. Severus yanked his arm out of Harcourt's grip and then stalked to the fireplace.   
"Harcourt, I'm afraid I shall have to burn these. The pictures of some of these are far too frightening and violent for a young child such as your self--"  
"I'M NOT TOO LITTLE!!" Harcourt shrieked, and clung to Severus's robes as he tried to toss the cards away.   
"Stop that! Silly boy, seven is far too small! Off, OFF!" Severus held his hand holding the cards far above his head. "Unless you wish to be grounded..."   
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harcourt tried to climb up Severus's back to the cards. Severus was forced to toss the cards into the flames to get Harcourt off of him, who was rather a burden to his back. Harcourt stared, shocked, at the cards as they seemed to burn away, then shrieked, and howled. Severus yelped, as his ears were now in great pain, and was about to try to mute Harcourt briefly, when he noticed something very odd. The cards weren't burning. Rather, they were still quite intact, and were suddenly rejected by the fire. They both stood, stunned.   
Harcourt recovered, grinned, gathered up the cards, and scurried away to his room. Severus stood, perplexed, and saw a note that had been with the cards that he hadn't bothered to read before.   
  
Severus--   
Harcourt begged it of me, so I bought him these cards that were in a muggle shop we saw on our way through London. Owing to how he seems to let things become broken and dirty easily, I put a charm on them to prevent that. Thought I ought to let you know,   
Remus  
  
Severus spent the rest of the day quite sour.   



	3. Snape Likes Wolves

Tale Three-- Snape likes Wolves  
  
A/N-- Oooohh, beware, even though G (too lazy to change rating... bleah, I don't think it's all that bad, any way), there is some slight slash, or normally I'd say 'bish-ai', though Remus and Severus are a little old to be bishounen. It's still in the same silly and implausible spirit as the other tales, so don't worry, and on to ... "Snape Likes Wolves"!!  
  
It just so happened that Lupin was hired for teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts the same year that Harcourt was starting his first year there. Severus wondered how two wolves would be tolerated, but he decided he'd have to keep Harcourt in his office, and Lupin would just keep to his own.  
  
Well then. No conflicts for some time... Until after Lupin's first lesson with the ikkle third year Gryffindors. Lupin decided to stop by Severus's office for a visit, whilst Severus was whiling his time reading the evening Daily Prophet. Severus refused to glance over the paper at Remus as he walked in.  
  
"So. How did it go, then?" Severus asked, though rather curtly. Remus remained cordial.  
  
"It went quite well, thank you. Neville did splendidly." Remus sat next to Severus. Severus glanced at him briefly, and adjusted the paper to hide Remus from his sight.  
  
"What... a surprise. I suppose that girl- Granger- must have been near by, though, wasn't she?"  
  
"No, she was near the back with Harry."  
  
Snape paused. "Ah. I see. And how did those two do?"  
  
"Well, I didn't let them go at it. I supposed that Harry would fear Voldemort the most, and I didn't want the rest of the class to be frightened out of their wits. It's just the first day, any how." Remus smiled, yet Severus wouldn't look at him. As it was, Severus wanted desperately for Remus to leave, before anything most embarrassing happened.  
  
"Is that so?" Severus tried to be as cold and unwelcoming as possible, but he still couldn't get rid of Remus. Remus paused. A thought suddenly occurred to him.  
  
"Say... Severus, why is it that you act like you hate me, but you always seem... So interested." Remus tried to pull some of the paper down, but Severus yanked it from him, and sank behind it.  
  
"Whydoyouaskthat??" Severus snapped, rather quickly. He turned a bright red behind the paper. Remus quirked an eyebrow. Severus seemed upset, or rather, nervous about the question.  
  
"Well, you were so interested in where I disappeared to each month when we were kids, and even now... You watched the boggart for me, and you would have stayed if it were a different class, am I correct? Why, you seem to have a terrible interest in me... Severus?" Remus stood behind Severus's chair, and looked down at him, and saw that he was staring, quite red. Severus looked up into Remus's face. Remus smiled. Severus looked indecisive.  
  
"Why are you asking me this??" Severus finally put the paper down, and stood, facing Remus.  
  
"I was just curious, not hurting any thing, am I?" Remus said. Severus said nothing, just glared. Remus brightened.  
  
"Say, I know you strongly opposed me being hired, right? Your outward excuse was because I was a werewolf and couldn't be trusted -- but that can't be your true opinion, because your son is a werewolf, and you'd throw a fit if he couldn't attend, finding any thing you could to prove that he was safe and trustworthy."  
  
Severus scowled. "Harcourt is different. He's perfectly, naturally tame, and you are not. He remains the same boy- just different form. You, become a monster."  
  
Remus stepped closer to Severus. "Do you like monsters, Severus?"  
  
Severus was caught off guard by the question. "What?"  
  
Remus smiled. "Do you like monsters?" Snape backed away from Remus, reaching for his wand.  
  
"Well..." Severus wanted to say no, but he knew that Remus would dog him until he gave the truth. So, he wouldn't say. Remus inferred the answer any way.  
  
"Of course... Severus, one more thing. If I should do one little thing, how would you react?" Remus stepped up closer to Severus again. Severus would have backed up, but he realised he was against the door now.  
  
"And... What would that be??" Severus was nervous. What was Remus planning on doing?? Severus did not like where this was going. Remus suddenly held down Severus's wand arm, and pecked him on the cheek. Severus turned even more red. He then said something he really wished he hadn't.  
  
"You would do that for me?" Severus instantly wished he could go back and stop him self from saying that. Remus looked mildly surprised.  
  
"Well! Not quite what I expected, but never the less..." Remus kissed Severus again. This time, though, Severus behaved as if he liked it. Which he did, but that was besides the point.  
  
Severus leaned forward this time to return the affection to Remus, and they would have continued one for some time, had they not heard a slight giggle behind them.  
  
Harcourt had pushed the door open, and was staring at them, smiling curiously.  
  
"What are you doing?" Harcourt asked, very sweetly as any little first year would. It was quite a sight to behold, and Harcourt had the distinct feeling and thought that his father was trying to devour Mr. Loopy's face.  
  
"Er.. Well, this isn't any of your affair, Harcourt, now, go on and speak nothing of this. All right? Now go on, go, go play with your friends..." Severus tried to shoo Harcourt away, but to no avail.  
  
"Why are trying to eat Mr. Loopy?" Harcourt asked, as honey sweet as before. Remus turned quite pink to hear that he appeared to be the victim to cannibalism. Severus scowled.  
  
"I am NOT trying to eat Mr. Loopy--"  
  
"Then what are you doing?" Harcourt interjected. Remus turned even more pink, and Severus looked very blank. Harcourt rocked slightly on his heels. He thought, and he recalled something a boy was telling him about before.  
  
"Are you ... In love? That's not what snogging is, is it?" Harcourt cocked his head slightly to the left.  
  
"Well, er, I suppose that's it... I don't know about the former, but yes, this could have been called Snogging..." Remus spoke, thoughtfully. Severus looked furious. Harcourt smiled.  
  
"Oh, right then. All right, see you later... Have fun snogging!" Harcourt cheerfully took his leave, and scampered away. Remus laughed.  
  
"That boy..." Severus growled. Remus nudged Severus.  
  
"Is cheerfully naive. Come now, let's follow his advice... Continue?" Remus said readily. Severus looked up.  
  
"Oh, right, I suppose..."  
  
And so they did. 


	4. Summer Holidays-- Part one

Summer Holidays at Snape house  
  
Harcourt was looking forward to the summer holidays, while Snape was not. However, it did mean not dealing with so many students, just the one that happened to also be his son. And, the little mite liked to pester Snape, so much did he like to pester his father that Snape had become borderline paranoid. He used to like going to the school, so that he could leave Harcourt with Lupin for the school year, but since Harcourt now attended the school, Snape had to see him all year long. Yet, the summers still remained worse. He had to see Harcourt all day every day for two months. At least the boy usually keeled over and slept soundly for at least five hours during the night, just to wake perkily in the early morning hours. Snape just reminded himself that Harcourt would be out of the house with in six years, so to try to keep his sanity until then.   
Today, Harcourt announced that he wanted to invite a friend over for the last few weeks of summer.   
"I'm not going to deal with two boys in the house, and don't even think about inviting a girl."  
"We won't be a problem, I promise! I haven't decided who to invite yet, but I can assure you that he'll behave."   
"You haven't done your summer school work yet, Harcourt. Even if I did consider letting you have some one over, you would have to have your work done. Now, go, go, do your work!" Snape tried to shoo Harcourt out.   
"I did too! I finished it all so I could do this!"   
"I don't believe it! Harcourt, the sloth, actually did his homework? You better be telling the truth. I will go to your room, and check, and make sure you not only did your work, but did it well!" Snape dissaparated with a pop, and was gone for a while, checking everything. Harcourt shrugged. Meanwhile, the cat, Potter, meowed and wandered around. Harcourt grinned haughtily. Then, Harcourt glanced around, as Snape still had not returned.   
"Must be reading all of my essays then..." Harcourt turned to the radio and listened while he waited. "Or maybe the pixie in the closet got to him..." Harcourt grinned wickedly, as there was a vicious pixie trapped in his closet, and it would only settle for flesh to satiate its hunger, and usually it liked it live. So, Harcourt never ventured in his closet if he could help it. He oft just tossed the bit of meat in there to make the pixie shut up when it became too noisy.   
Snape was reading through the essays quickly, but checking for consistency and any possible errors. Yet, Harcourt's essays were neatly done, and done well on top of that. Snape's lip began to curl. On top of that, Harcourt's room was clean (save the closet, but no one could be blamed for that), and all of his things neatly put away, and all in all, Snape could find nothing wrong. He scowled, and apparated back to the kitchen again, to inform Harcourt that even though every thing appeared to be in order, he needed to finish lesson plans, so he didn't want any more pests in the house.   
Snape apparated behind Harcourt with a pop, and was wearing a lazy grin.   
"You may have done your work, and done it well, but--"  
"How about Harry Potter, dad? I decided who to invite! Can I, dad, can I invite him? Can he come, please?" Harcourt was now bouncing ecstatically in front of Snape, trying to convince him to let him have Harry over. Snape first stared with a look as if Harcourt had just asked him to invite Sirius Black and some dementors for tea, then grinned slightly.   
"I don't think so, Harcourt." Snape appeared quite calm, now. Harcourt stopped bouncing immediately, and frowned.   
"Why not?" Harcourt stared inquiringly up at his father.   
"I doubt that Potter would accept your invitation, Harcourt. He would probably think our company below him, the famous Harry Potter --"   
"YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT! HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?" Harcourt suddenly turned quite venomous, and began to howl and tear at Snape's robes. Snape clapped his hands over his ears so he couldn't hear Harcourt's hideous howls.   
"I WON'T ALLOW IT!" Snape shrieked over Harcourt's howling, and dissaparated quickly from the kitchen. Harcourt, rather miffed that Snape escaped, still refused to give up.   
"I'M GOING TO INVITE HIM ANY WAY!!" Harcourt yelled loud enough that no matter where Snape was, if he was still within several hundred yards of the house, he would hear Harcourt. Still miffed, Harcourt scurried away for his room.   
Snape had picked a particularly bad night to anger Harcourt, as it was a full moon, so Snape ended up having to sleep on the roof, leaving Harcourt to scrabble and bark him self hoarse on the porch, trying futilely to bite Snape.   
The next few days didn't prove to be much better for Snape, as Harcourt would ask him every chance he got if he could invite Harry Potter over. Snape tried very hard to ignore Harcourt, then to refuse him, then to keep away from him. He could try to apparate to somewhere else in the house, or some where else in general, but Harcourt would always turn up sooner or later, and Snape much preferred the later, though it was usually sooner. The neighbors had already asked about why Snape hadn't gotten rid of the pesky werewolf that was out sometimes, keeping him on the roof. Snape just scowled. Then, one day, Snape awoke, and Harcourt wasn't hovering over him asking him repeatedly his impossible request. He went and got him self some breakfast, and again, Harcourt was no where in sight. Snape wondered if Harcourt had finally given up. Snape even went outside to enjoy a walk. This was very new. He even allowed him self a small grin. However, this behaviour rather frightened the neighbors, so they just watched carefully from their windows. Then, the peace and still was broken, and the neighbors decided that things were all right with the world again. Snape was walking cheerfully under a tree, when Harcourt fell quite suddenly out of it, and landed on Snape. The two fell, and Harcourt latched on to Snape like a tick, and screeched his pleas once more. Snape, who was all ready wrought thin from the whole ordeal, relented.   
"Fine! FINE! You can invite him over! Just get off my back! You - are - too - heavy!" Snape wheezed from the initial shock, and also from the difficulty of breathing when a thirteen-year-old boy was clinging to his back like grim death. Harcourt jumped off lightly, and padded to the house. Snape winced and hobbled some as he tried to nurse his back.   
"Insufferable pup..." Snape grumbled. "Completely incorrigible..."   
Harcourt stopped, as he remembered something important.   
"Oh, I already asked him, and he said OK, as long as you were ok with it, and any way, he needs to be taken here, because his Aunt and Uncle are muggles, so they wouldn't be able to find this place to save their lives, and also, ah, the fire place is all boarded, so don't use floo powder." Snape scowled at Harcourt.   
"You can't get to muggle houses with floo powder any way!"  
"Well, also, they want him to be picked up in a 'normal' way, what ever that means. I guess they mean like muggles do..." Harcourt gasped. "We don't have a car or any thing!" Snape grinned.   
"Well, then, it looks like we can't have him over after all. You'd better cancel that invitation, Harcourt." Snape said rather silkily. Harcourt shook his head, then he looked up, with such a triumphant expression that Snape's grin was wiped clean away.   
"The Underground! The muggles have that thing called the underground! We could take that from here to there and back! All he has to do is get to London!" Harcourt beamed at Snape, who looked horrified.   
"Wha... NO! NO, I AM NOT GETTING ON A MUGGLE TRAIN!" Snape spat vehemently. "I hate muggle money, I hate muggle trains, and buses, and I don't want to packed away with swarms of those damn muggles, either!" Harcourt took hold of one of Snape's sleeves, and dragged him back to the house. Snape felt rather defeated. It was quite possible to transport Harry over this way, and he couldn't readily think of an excuse to stop him. At least, Snape hoped, the two would just keep to them selves the whole time, and not come any where near him. 


End file.
